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The Connection Between Fashion and Interior Design

As an interior designer, I use and love infusing fashion trends in my designs. People and many of may clients have come to recognize the both interior design and fashion are a way to freely express themselves in a materialistic ways. Both give you the freedom to creatively explore and develop a better understanding of yourself and others around you. Confidence is created internally but the clothes you choose to wear and the space you surround yourself in will ignite it! Fashion is the driving force which interior design follows and finds its inspiration from. It is constantly evolving along with society and is the intersection between functionality and art.

With more people working from home there has been more of a need for comfort and functionality in both interiors and fashion. Minimalism has continued to be a strong trends but the concept of modular pieces has helped progress minimalism into something more creative and inspiring. We now see beautiful cures and shapes that help the flow of the space and have turned minimalism into an aesthetic instead of a concept. This stems from a shift in minimal fashion during the pandemic where comfortability became a necessity. Basic house pieces became elevated with soft angles and curves and with plenty of zoom calls to support this!

On the contrary, we are also seeing people wanting to have fun and let loose after between cooped up for the past two years! That reflects in their spaces and and their outfit choices. People are starting to reach for the bright and bold colors and patterns. There’s almost a vintage 90’s flare to it. Velvet is making a comeback and is being used in both clothing and upholstered pieces. Designers, like Gucci, have been using elevated floral patterns in fashion and in turn is reflected in the home though wallpaper, drapery and rugs. Gold and other metallic accessories have also made a significant comeback in fashion and interiors. You could even compare a pair of beautiful gold earrings to a pair of gold sconces in a living room!

Another thing to note is that numerous fashion designers from more moderately priced lines such as Ralph Lauren and Tommy Bahama to haute couture houses like Prada, Versace and Missoni just to name a few have delved in to the furniture world. Prada even sells pool and game tables! This trend has become a natural path and connection between the two.

When thinking about how to decorate your home, notice what your wardrobe looks like and what colors or patterns excite you. As yourself with inspires confidence in you and surround yourself with that! If your find yourself getting stuck, that’s where an interior designer can help you!

The use of trendy floral patterns by Gucci.
This Bomboca sofa by Prada will set you back a mere $102,200!

Fashion Trends for Fall 2019

While it certainly may not feel like Fall right now, October is just around the corner and temps will be falling! Here are some of my top trends for fashion this season:

1.Animal Instincts: Whether leopard, snakeskin or zebra, animal prints are still all the rage. From dresses, tops, accessories and to even footwear, this edgy trend still continues.

2. Mini skirts: Cincinnista’s, if you can pull it off, Do It! While we’ve been seeing tons of midi-length dresses and skirts, this trend is sexy AND classic!

3. Color Trend: Deep Emerald. While “Living Color” was considered the Color of 2019, it certainly doesn’t translate well in to the fall. Dark green is rich, elegant and looks good on almost any hair or skin type!

4. Low heeled mules: While this trend may not take you in to January, these shoes are a great transition in to the winter as they cover your cold sensitive toes AND are comfortable.

5. Large scale florals: Still here! While there are more smaller scaled prints out that look great on a jumpsuit let’s say, go with the larger scale florals for the smaller items such as a top or a scarf.

6. Finally Plaids: Still here as well. The crisp tailored look of an updated plaid looks professional and polished.

Check out these looks!

This leopard print sweater from Alice and Olivia is stunning especially with the fur sleeves!
Fun snakeskin print booties from Veronica Beard
Another winner from Veronica Beard. This look combines a hip mini-shirt with a classic plaid.

Can I say I’m obsessed with these Valentino mules? While the studs are a statement, there aren’t so many that it overwhelms most outfits.
Love the rich colors and flared sleeves of the floral top by Alice and Oliva. Note the leopard print detailing!
This rich deep emerald top by Veronica Beard can be dressed up or down. Again, note the animal print belt!

Happy Memorial Day. Tis the weekend to shop!

Memorial Day has become as much of a shopping deal week/weekend as much as a national military observance day. Starting as soon as a week before, the sales have started and it’s time to grab these bargains while the good stuff is still available. From large retailers, to local boutiques, many stores are offering anywhere from 25% off to 75% as the prime summertime shopping is rapidly passing. And with summer almost in full swing, now is the time to buy! Here are some examples of some great deals I found:

So how often does Gucci go on sale? Almost never! These blingy, silk green gems at on sale 50% off at Bloomingdales. Hurry….I didn’t and now my size is gone!

Love this hip yet professional DVF jumpsuit available on sale at DVF.com



Can you tell I like green?! This stylish yet classic looking top by Kopi Kalperin is deeply discounted at Neiman Marcus. And yes, I did scoop this up myself!




Animals prints anyone? I love the summer, neutral version of this hot trend by Joie. On sale at Bloomingdales.



My Top Interior Design Trends for 2019!

So, I know I’ve talked a lot about fashion trends for this year, but last week we hosted an event at AYI discussing the top Interior Design Trends for this year going forward now that spring is finally (well, kind of:) upon us.

Here are my favorite 8 trends:

  1. Gray: So is it here to stay? I get asked this question over and over lately. While I myself has enjoyed this color as well as many a client, I have always preached “proceed with caution” when it comes to gray with big ticket items. While gray has permeated our design style for years now even down to hardwood flooring, I’ve always recommended gray in more “short term” items such as certain upholstery, accent pillows, accessories and even wallpaper: not hardwood floors that will be there for decades. While gray is still “in” the cool grays are being replaced with warmer, earthier grays….almost a “taupish” gray.
  2. Agate Wallpaper: Now this is really a fun trend! We’ve had many a wallpaper rep in your office showing us beautiful renditions of this pattern in all types of colors, both commercial and residential grade. Agate, if you don’t know the term, is basically a decorative stone with all kids of unique designs, especially interesting on a larger scale. It’s also a way to bring nature in to your space: a trend that is still very current.
  3. Plinth Tables: Basically this term means chunky based tables. From cocktail tables to dining tables, tables with a bulky base are very in. However, I’m not advocating getting rid of your classic parsons table, just mix is up with some more substantial side tables, for example.
  4. Emerald Green: Now this is really one I have loved for years and several years back Emerald Green was even named Pantone’s Color of the Year. Dare I say that my wedding ring is even an emerald?! Emerald green, not to be confused with forest green is a rich color that can be used as a backdrop color is certain spaces or as a bold accent in more neutral settings. Again, emerald green evokes nature and elegance at the same time.
  5. Metals: While metals and metallic patterns have been in for awhile, we are starting to see more metal integrated in to furniture. As art as the inspiration, these functional pieces are also taking a sculptural twist. This year is waving a bit of a good bye to stainless steel and polished nickel and utilizing even more metals such as gold, brass, copper and blackened iron. You can even combine these metals for a more interesting look. Not that my classic chrome based Barcelona chairs are going anywhere!
  6. Blush Tones: Blush tones are one of the main color palettes of the year, especially for Spring. In addition, the Pantone Color of 2019 is actually Living Coral, a brighter version of blush. Blush tones can act as a neutral shade for your space. You can even mix it well with metal fixtures, navy, dark green or gray accents. It can add a serious wow factor to any room, without being overly “girly.” However, if this color scares your man, use it in smaller amounts such as accessories, an accent wall, or even a throw.
  7. Matte Black: This color (or should I say shade) is starting to overtake gray this season. You can incorporate this trend on different scales. Whether it is incorporating accents in to your space or painting an accent wall matte black, this color is dramatic and is here to stay.
  8. Velvets: Yes, this trend has been in for a while and still is. Years ago, velvet was known as luxurious, and while that hasn’t really changed today is has become more mainstream. We are seeing more and more velvet being used, whether it is an upholstered piece of furniture or accent items such as pillows. Also, velvets used to be easy to stain and came in limited color ways. Thankfully, technology has advanced, which means we now have velvets that are soft and plush, but highly durable and economical, even for commercial use. In terms of design, there are so many beautiful options, whether it is limitless colors or amazing and unique prints.

Well, that covers my Favorite Interior Design Trends at Amy Youngblood Interiors. Check out these images to give you a better feel for what’s going on at AYI!

A fun, informative event at AYI last week!
With one my favorite manufacturer’s reps, Tyler Quinn,
and yes, wearing one of our Interior Design Trends!
Trend #1: Warm Gray

Trend #2: Fabulous agate wallpaper by D.L. Couch!

Trend #3: Plinth Tables

Trend #4: Emerald Green.

Trend #5: Metals. Love how the brass base of these stools has given them a sculptural feel!

Trend #6: Blush Tones

Trend #7: Matte Black. How dramatic is this!?

Trend #8: Velvet. Love how this traditional fabric looks amazing on this contemporary chair!

Happy New Year! Fashion Trends for 2019

Well, I know New Years Eve has obviously passed (I for one passed on an expensive party) but the beginning of the New Year is still in full swing. While the After Christmas sales are great deals to be found, there is not much in terms of selection and finding your size?! Hence, I’m turning to the future! After much perusing, here are some of my favorites new and continuing trends:

  1. Rounded and square toed shoes: So ladies, don’t throw out your Christian Louboutin pointed spiked heels just yet, but there is still a trend toward more square toed and block heeled shoes which to me means more comfort!
  2. Hippy style: from fringe to tie dye, we are seeing an interesting juxtaposition in previously casual looks mixed in more elegant ways.
  3. Plaid and more plaid: While I used to consider plaid old and stodgy, it is frankly keeping Burberry in business! I’ll never forget when my black and red Rag and Bone leggings finally went out, I felt a big loss with this unique staple. Plaid isn’t just for shirts and jackets anymore! I finally took the plunge and yes, replaced them with a pair of Burberry leggings that I love.
  4. Pleats: Now I often cringe at this one as my Cincinnista waistline isn’t what it was in the 80’s, and I honestly do better with the low rise pants if you know what I mean. However, more streamlined pleats that are more flattering than the ballooning pants of 30+ years ago not to mention skirts and even tops are back in.
  5. Feathers, sequins and velvet: Basically anything glam is in! I must say I felt like a renegade nearly 5 years ago when I bought a Nanette Lepore black feather skirt. I wore it back then and now it’s even more “in.” And to answer your question: No, it can’t be cleaned. Just wear it till it all falls out!

Well, that’s it for now ladies. Here are some pics of examples. Cheers to an even better 2019!

These block heeled pumps by Gucci are classics AND comfortable!

Love this elegant cocktail dress by Naeem Khan that integrates fringe with elegance

Okay, not the more flattering picture of me, but these Burberry leggings are fun and comfy!

Veronica Beard has really taken plaid to the next level.

This pleated chiffon skirt by Vince is stylish and flattering.



The feather skirt is still going strong. Perfect for nights out on the town!

Glam meets plaid. Love this sequin top by Parker
.

Velvet, sequins and yes, still some cold shoulders out there. By Needle and Thread.

The Holidays: To Be Alone or Not Be Alone?

So a lot has ensued since my last serious blog post, and I know I promised to write something a little bit more “fun” this time.  However, I feel the need to discuss what I see is a growing issue in my age group of women.  

While it is the season of “giving,” shopping, great sales and holiday parties I know a lot of people out there this time of year who just simply feel alone.   For myself when going through my divorce in 2013 (I had moved out and was living alone except for when I had my kids) it felt especially weird.  I mean I was always used to a crazy holiday schedule with my ex’s family:  large extended family parties,  church, and big family dinners…..not to mention doing the Santa thing…especially with one child still believing in the “magic.”  But this season was different.  I didn’t have my children Christmas day due to our separation agreement, no boyfriend and hence no plans.  It was my dear friend Pam who finally invited me over to her home for later Christmas Eve with her family (which thank God I spent the night as my heat in my apartment at the time even went out and the temperature was not even in the teens that night……and what company wants to fix a furnace late night on Christmas Eve, right?  

Anyway, the point is that I was panicked about being alone, went to Pam’s and while still missing my kids ended up having a great time with her also “blended” family, many of whom I adore and have known for years.  I slept the night (which ended up being smart after several cocktails) on an air mattress in her guest room and woke up knowing that I had survived being alone! I did wind up later that day doing a long Christmas lunch with my kids but they went soon back to their fathers.’

So my point in writing this is,  while the holidays are stressful for obvious reasons, there are many other reasons that most of us don’t want to talk about.  Before then, and even after the time my divorce was finalized in the spring of 2014  I again felt “alone” many times.  I often found myself on weekends “without the kids” and “alone”  kicking myself because I had made no official “girls night” plans.  I suppose I was so busy throwing myself in to my business as I now was legally obligated to work even more than I ever had.  But regardless,  most of my married friends weren’t knocking my door down for non-existant couple nights and I simply had to make a new life for myself in many ways. My friends that were single were slim in numbers and also had their own lives.

So fast forward 6 months. I did my share of dating and yes, while I did try on-line dating and conventional dating, it was fun at times but a few of them were simply scary and others totally unsuitable.  I always say I’m “lucky”  to have found Tom so early after my divorce but one of my kind close friends later called it more like karma. Tom and I were already acquaintances from college,  I’d even gone to his first wedding, (I know crazy!) and we already friends on Facebook; hence he reached out to me long distance from Colorado. While I thought nothing of it at first considering the distance, the communication grew and blossomed in to a full blown romance and commitment with him moving within a year back to Cincinnati ( where he is from and needed to be with my moving limitations.) We were married a little over a year later when we both felt the kids were comfortable with their mother remarried as well as their comfort level with Tom as a stepfather, which has only grown.

The point in giving you some background on my courtship with my now (and forever) husband is that while it was an amazing experience, it wasn’t easy for all of us to make the big changes (especially the kids) but more than worth it.  Since then,  I’ve had numerous friends and acquaintances actually reach out to me of all whom are unhappy in their marriage wanting advice on how to leave their husband needing the courage and names of good divorce attorneys. It was almost like I had become the poster child of a survivor (yes, once again) of a Happy Divorce.

But the reality is, there is no “happy divorce” and while so many of us don’t want to be alone, the reality is we have to learn to be alone despite the pain that it may cause us…at least for a while in time……like the Christmas Eve I was saved from and countless Saturday nights alone watching movies and drinking wine ALONE. While I want to tell my unhappily unmarried friends all will be easy and okay, I simply can’t guarantee it will be so. I can say personally,  that while my ex and I still have a painful relationship, I’m SO much happier now in my new life than I was before. In fact, I know now that if I had stayed with my ex for all those years he wanted, we’d be one of the most obviously unhappy couples out there. This is in no disrespect to him nor my kids, but anyone that knows both of us well would certainly concur.

So when you think about “being alone” in your “bad relationship”,  I ask you to think about this: Have you genuinely communicated and tried through therapy with your partner to resolve or even address your problems?  If so,  is it working?  If not, why? If you find yourself continuing blaming yourself like I did (as I was convinced of that) is that the way you want to longterm live?  Finally, are you being true to the kind of person you really are?…not just acting out a “role?” Marriage or partnership is about a mutual respect and compatibility in all ways and when then the thermometer keeps leaning hard in the “wrong” direction it is time to take a hard look and make a tough decision in your life even if it means pain and suffering throughout the process.  But let’s face it:  you’ve probably been suffering for years but too afraid to admit it to yourself, right?  And by the way  being “divorced”  should not make you feel embarrassed.  It’s what your have learned from it that ultimately completes you.   And as far as being “alone”, while happily remarried,  I finally realized last week after my very difficult previous posts, we are all ultimately alone.  We are alone in our thoughts, our actions, and the results of our actions.  In addition, we are responsible for taking care of ourselves both physically and emotionally (with certain exceptions I understand).  I recall arbitrarily taking out much of my anger over my assault and other family issues out on my husband Tom over the last several months, and finally with his blunt honesty,  I knew it needed to stop.  Like I said in on this blog two months ago,  I am done feeling sorry for myself and need to appreciate what I DO have and channel my energy in to ways to help other survivors:  a privilege for which I am forever grateful.

Believe me when I say I neither condoning nor admonishing divorce or leaving your relationship (of course unless you are being physically harmed).  That is ultimately your choice.  But to live your life unhappily when again you aren’t being “true to yourself”  is to me worse than being alone.  Like the bumper stickers even say:  “Life is too Short.” Happy Holidays to my fellow Cincinnistas. I wish you all the happiness in the world:  Alone or Not Alone.

The Bill Jackoboice Assault: The Story Continued….

It has been a little over a month since I posted my initial story about being sexually assaulted over 25 years ago, which took me weeks to write and honestly was completely overwhelming.  As I mentioned in my previous post, the Kavanaugh hearings in September finally pushed me over the edge to to tell my story but my own experience had been boiling over within me for my most of my adult life and I finally found the guts deep down to do what I knew what I had to do.  I distinctly remember pushing the “share” button that Tuesday night with my almost 1,000 friends on Facebook and then finally going to bed with my head swimming and waking up with my life never being the same.

 

However, the truth is, that while my life was completely changed by publicly “outing” my somewhat graphic detailed story where I named my assaulter, the response I received from family, friends, employees, and clients (both female AND male) was and still is overwhelming positive.  I woke up the next morning terrified to even look at my phone in fear of retributional comments, but instead read countless comments on facebook, private facebook messages, emails, phone calls and texts from friends and people I didn’t even know supporting my courage to come out with my experience.  Many of them shared similar stories of abuse themselves.  I was even told I was a hero by a few.  Several women told me that I had given them courage to start thinking about coming out and confronting their own assaulter themselves.  I also heard from both women and men thanking me for sharing my story so that they could in turn share their story with their own children in hopes that our next generation wouldn’t endure what myself and so many of us have.  For all of this, I am eternally grateful.

 

The truth is, I don’t feel like a hero (my husband tells me I am but it’s hard to accept it even from him).  I’m just an average person wanting to simply do what is right.  While I know I’ve always been considered an outwardly strong personality who hates the idea of backing away from what she believes in, I was completely scared yet truly felt I had to do what I did, despite any potential backlash.  There are so many women and men that have been sexually assaulted and abused, that while my story may pale in comparison with their’s, my goal was to help give us all a voice and I know even more now that we are all not alone.  I recall that day of the Kavanaugh hearings on Friday, September 28th (yes, I was in bed watching and re-cooping from my big 5-0 colonoscopy) when Brooke Burke of CNN tearfully discussed what she believed was that 1 out of 6 women have or will be have been sexually assaulted in their lifetime; I have to respectfully disagree.  From what I have heard and seen, I believe these statistics are more like 1 in 4 if not greater.  Additionally, the women and men who are still silently harboring their abuse are still out there.

 

So in moving to more specifics of what transpired after my post; I received over 70  positive comments and countless “likes” directly on my Facebook page not to mention 6 public shares and God knows how many private shares.  I tried to keep up with responding as I appreciated this feedback so much.  The ensuing weekend was overwhelming with more and more private messages from people on Facebook wanting to share their negative thoughts about Bill, as well as, similar experiences they had had with other assaulters.  In addition, my story had gotten out in Kansas City where Bill Jackoboice currently lives.  Several women were contacting me telling me they knew Bill through their kids or as a neighbor and found him egotistical, entitled, racist, and misogynistic…..and just flat out creepy.  I even heard he was having martial problems with his second wife, of which my theory is he’s probably abusing her too (if she has not already wised up yet and left him like his first wife).  By far the most memorable Facebook message I received was from one Kansas City woman whom I’ve never even met who is a grandmother (she also confided she was abused at age 6 and has yet to come out about it) who had been watching Bill over the years as her grandchildren played sports with his kids.  She indicated that she had found him an “egotistical, narcissistic jerk”  and had witnessed him getting kicked out of many of little kids games, arising “warnings on many levels.”  Additionally, many of these Kansas City women also shared worry about the future well being of his kids, especially in his now blended family.  As a mother myself, I respect and feel for these children.

 

As the weekend of chaos in reading and responding to these comments and stories was ending, my mind was still swimming.   While the outing of my story was extremely cathartic, I went to bed that Sunday night feeling like I could do more.  In reality, I can right?  I am an established business owner with many connections in the media from appearing on television, right?  Or perhaps this was the empowerment I felt from my outage that helped, but also that Bill and other men (or women) like him simply needed to be stopped.  In the midst of this I should mention that within days I noticed that Bill had completely deleted his Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram accounts.  I believe this is even more of an affirmation of his guilt and fear of being caught.  The only official social media account that was still up was his LinkedIn account for obvious reasons.  In addition, I noticed today that my story of the assault on Facebook comes up on the first to third page of Google depending upon how you search his full name.  So the next Monday morning alone in my private office I went on an internet hunt locating his work headquarters of Hub International as well as this large company’s head of HR and emailed her a consolidated description of my assault.  I also shared my own thoughts that as a person who owned her own business, I certainly wouldn’t tolerate that type of sociopathic behavior (past or present) from one of my own employees and hoped they’d do the same.  I know it sounds vindictive but the ball was now rolling and with what I knew even more about him now, I wanted him to lose his job just like all of his victims had lost their dignity.   The HR woman responded to me two days later in very legal terminology that she appreciated my email and that they were now officially conducting an official review on Bill Jackoboice.  I responded that I appreciated her actions and I looked forward to hearing from her.  However, she quickly emailed me the next day adding that it was a “private” investigation, which I found a bit troublesome. Finally after two weeks and a bit of prodding, I heard back.  The head of HR told me that they had concluded the investigation and within the 2 years Bill had been with the company, they had no evidence of criminal activity in his tenure there; hence they were taking no action.  I was of course disappointed and didn’t respond as I was still trying to get my head around the whole thing.  I finally responded to her last weekend saying that while I understood that legally her hands were tied, Hub International should know they have a “ticking time bomb” on their hands.  I may have lost this small battle…at least for now, but I have won the bigger picture and my story will never leave his file nor his life.  As one of my male friends and supporters said,  “karma is a bitch.”

 

So time when on and in the meanwhile I went on with my life and my very  demanding career.  I appeared on a local network about an interior design topic.  At this point I felt relieved about my Facebook post but again still wanted to do more.  I mentioned to the associate producer at this TV station afterwards that I wanted to present a deeper story that had nothing to do with interior design and was seen on the no “fluff “nightly news.  So I pitched the story!  They immediately indicated they wanted it and it went up the food chain; but unfortunately it stalled.  While I was disappointed at first, I realized that most local networks especially in the morning news, wanted happy, non-controversial segments.  The point is, I’m not giving up on publicizing this further even though it means putting myself and my story out there, it just takes time and I am in this fight for as long as it takes.  We all must keep fighting against sexual abuse.

 

Sorry this is another long blog post but yet again it’s too hard to condense.  I want all women and men to know that you are not alone in your painful experience of sexual abuse.  While it took me over 25 years to publicly talk about my own story it has been completely cathartic.  Giving birth to my two children and marrying my husband, Tom, have both been the most amazing things in my life but the most worthwhile humanitarian thing I have ever done is sharing my story. If my story helps just one person I have done my duty; which I feel I have…however the cause (and the solution) continues.  We need to talk about this issue which I have with my kids, as uncomfortable as that is.  If this has happened to you; I beg you, know that it is NOT your fault.  And please just tell one person, if not a therapist, a good friend, anyone you trust.  As one good male friend of mine with two younger girls told me; “If this ever happened to one of my girls, I can’t image what I’d do or how I’d feel, but I would insist that we get help immediately.”  That is so true today as no one who is a victim in the present nor in the past deserves this type of emotional punishment!

 

My own healing started before I published my blog on that Tuesday, October 9th.  When it came up with my therapist last fall, she suggested that I channel my negative energy into a charitable causes for abused women.  I soon registered to volunteer for Women Helping Women but at the time the wait list was long due to people embracing the #MeToo movement.  Additionally as a full-time working mom,  I just couldn’t fulfill the 40 hour a month training obligation.  However, I finally did reach out the the local YWCA and they have contacted me about conducting art classes for victims in their abused women’s shelter which is an honor that I look forward to doing.

 

I don’t mean to make this post a political one, but while I was hoping the Democrats would sweep both the House and the Senate for many reasons, we have to look at this outcome as a step going forward from where we are coming from.  To be honest, as a child I came from a family that was very Republican but that has all changed now.  I simply want what is right in life regardless of one’s political party.  It’s not that I’m against all Republicans, I’m just disillusioned with our current administration; specifically Donald Trump and his treatment of women and all other minorities.

 

In closing, this Cincinnista web-site and the blog I started 4 years ago was initially oriented toward women being “Fabulous Over 40.” While then I was in my later forties and coming out of a difficult divorce, my initial goal was to search out the fun, unique, and beautiful things to be found in this town.  However while people might think I have this ultimate life as a woman in a so called “glamorous” business who dresses stylishly, drives a nice car, and looks pretty good for her age…my life is far from perfect.   To my core, I run much deeper than that.  I have the typical (and some atypical) family issues, I am often critical of my looks, I deal with chronic insomnia, I frequently feel overwhelmed with being a mother, I wish I made more money as a business owner, and I struggle with getting older.  However now as a very happily remarried woman in tune with the realities of life through my own personal experiences as well as my friends experiences, I am committed to making this web-site more focused on women’s issues, charity, and the deeper experiences of a woman who is now 50.  Not that 50 isn’t fabulous; 50 is fabulous. But knowing who you are and not afraid to show your imperfections and experiences is even more fabulous.  I am with each and every one of you and look forward to engaging with all of you over all types of subjects. My support is unwavering I am not just a survivor but SURVIVOR with a CAUSE..

 

 

 

 

The Kavanaugh Nightmare: A Survivor’s Perspective

 

Sorry my friends, this isn’t a fun one nor easy one to write:

 

With all the back and forth around this political and social discord in this country,  I’m simply not trying to jump on the #MeToo bandwagon nor take away from other women who have been more sexually abused than I was.  However,  I feel the need to share my own experience and opinion with what is horribly wrong in our society.

 

I have struggled over the years on and off with what happened with me over 25 years ago when I lived as a young single woman in Chicago.   I currently live in the rather conservative town of Cincinnati with kids in Catholic schools (although I am not Catholic)  I was been never encouraged (rather discouraged) to share my story but I feel like I finally need to.  I have always considered myself a consummate professional in my business and sexually very responsible and moral.   So why me?

 

When I was 23 I was living in downtown Chicago and besides a demanding sales and marketing job, I was living a supposedly carefree life with lot of “girlfriend fun” on the weekends. One summer weekend in 1992 I was at one of the many outdoor street parties that were so inviting to younger adults. I ran into an old friend from  Grand Rapids whom had asked me out in high school.   In the the past, I had repeatedly declined for various reasons and found him a bit too “aggressive.”  The interesting twist in this story was that; yes like many sexual assaulters we were technically long time old friends and our fathers were golfing buddies. Our fathers had even served consecutively as past president’s of our mutual country club.

 

Getting back to the point, I decided I was finally actually interested in this guy so we talked, hung out, and yes innocently flirted for most of the evening.  The evening progressed and he invited me back to his apartment to “hang out” and he mentioned  that his roommate would not be there. Keep in mind that back then and even now,  myself and none of my friends did not equate going back to a guy’s place as permission to have sex, but given what we now know even more, I would never permit my daughter or recommend my single friends to do the same.

 

At this point it was probably around 10 or so at night when he and I arrived at his apartment.  He quickly suggested that we hang out in his bedroom.  Before I knew it he was aggressively stripping off my clothes including my underwear.  While I had assumed we’d be innocently kissing and cuddling, this was not at all what I had intended.  Bill ripped off his clothes as well as I shouted NO!! over and over.  I tried pushing him off and I squirmed as hard as I humanly could but he still pushed his erect penis in to me.  I started to cry incessantly while telling him this was not what I ever wanted and finally he stopped.  The reality was while he didn’t “finish the deal”  I know now I was raped.  Honestly, I believe the only reason he stopped (and of course he complained that he stopped) was because of our family’s relationship.  He was a tall strong former Big 10 swimmer from Notre Dame after all.  He could have easily kept going if he had chosen to.

 

I immediately got up, put my clothes on, and got home hailing the nearest cab.  The whole incident had pretty much sobered me up to the point where I couldn’t sleep and I was rattled the rest of the weekend.  I was confused how this person whom I had actually thought I could date, whom I’d grown up knowing, would do this to me.

 

The following Monday evening,  Bill showed up at my door step. He told me he needed closure and forgiveness from the other night saying “You don’t think I actually tried to rape you do you?”  I responded “Yes, you did”  and slammed the door in his face with him resisting.  I was terrified again of this much physically stronger, large male.

 

So I went on with my business over the years burying this incident in my psyche thinking that he “attempted to rape” me but was unsuccessful.  The reality was that he DID rape me and over the course of this time I ran in to Bill in Chicago and once at our parent’s mutual country club in Grand Rapids.  The shocking part was that not only did Bill try and talk to me but he made taunting condescending statements trying to get me to spar with him.  He once even yelled and laughed at me across the room (with two “unknowing” girls at his side) at a mutual friend’s party.  He said “Amy doesn’t like me,  do you Amy?!”  Like I was responsible?  Once again, I was shaken, being abused and taken advantage of.  And just like the recent Kavanaugh hearings, I too remember the laughter.

 

Ironically during those years in Chicago I also had the opportunity to travel with a fellow sales rep in my company who went to St. Mary’s College; Notre Dame’s sister school. As Bill had gone to Notre Dame himself (I might add he got in only because of swimming and his family money)  I thought my co-worker might know him.  She immediately told me how she hated him because he had reputation as a date raper in college and even assaulted her good friend by getting her drunk to the point of raping her while passed out.  Her friend, who was also Catholic, was too scared to report it and ultimately got pregnant from the assault which resulted in an abortion.  Just thinking about how many other women Bill had done this too as well, enraged me.  I didn’t have the guts to go to the police at this point as time had passed and who was going to believe me, right?  But I did go to my parents.  I even told them if I ever saw Bill again, especially at our “prestigious” country club, I would publicly spill my story and knowledge of his other awful deeds just to embarrass him and make him stop.   While they believed me, like so many parents in the 1990’s they had no idea what to do; so they did nothing. When the #MeToo Movement finally got started, I was at my angriest point I’d ever been in my life.  I was also very angry with my deceased father for not doing or saying anything to Bill’s father as again they were “golfing buddies” and he didn’t want to make waves in the business and social community of Grand Rapids.

 

And to top if off years after my father unexpectedly passed, my mother finally told me later how upset my dad was about the situation; a fact he never expressed to me. Yes a bit too late Dad, but I have learned to forgive you only because you didn’t know better.  I also found out Bill now lives in Kansas City and was working for his wife’s family company but was going through an ugly divorce brought on by domestic assault.  Ironically the pattern continues.

 

So here we are today.  During my realization of my still suppressed shame and  anger last fall,  I did reach out to Bill on Facebook and Linked In but purely for vengeful reasons.  He immediately accepted my friend requests being the demented guy he is thinking we were going to be “pals” again.  Once we connected I messaged him saying I never forgot what he did to me; he would rot in hell; and he’d be hearing from me.  Of course Bill de-friended me immediately.  My husband fully supported me but told me I should be careful as he was concerned about my safety, but I didn’t care.  I wanted to scare and intimidate Bill just as he had done to me over and over.  I was done with his intimidation and to be honest, I’m done with men that think forcing a women to have sex or any other sexual act is just “boys being boys”.

 

So I need to wrap this up. This story has taken much longer than I ever expected. When I heard the news of Christine Blasey Ford coming forth with her story about Brett Kavanaugh I was impressed with her candor and strength.  I mean, why would a respected professional woman with a family put her privacy and safety on the line to lie about something so devastating in her life? To do the right thing I say!  I’ve read too many articles saying it’s just a “he said; she said” scenario but I will tell you as a victim myself; I may not remember where I was exactly a week ago, a month ago, or a year ago but I can tell you exactly what happened to me that night in the summer of 1992.  Why is it that so called “alpha” or “top” males  have completey lost their jobs and even wives over allegations of sexual assault, but Brett Kavanaugh has been elevated to the highest court after a “credible” account from this one women or even more, attesting to him being a belligerent and aggressive drunk in his early years.  So what if these incidents occurred many years ago?  This is the highest position in our judicial system and to be honest, no allegations at all should have been tolerated when it comes to appointing a judge to the Supreme Court for life.

 

I spent a large part of last weekend feeling depressed for women kind, this country, and yet the anger still goes on for me.  However, in writing this way too long blog, I’m purging my inner demons, my anger has subsided and if it helps even one survivor, it will have been more than worth the weeks and courage it took to write it.  I’m tired of feeling anxious, angry, and sorry for myself. The reality is through the #MeToo Movement women are coming out with their stories but we have to keep pushing even harder to make it “normal”  that women get treated equally and with the respect every person deserves. At 50, I want my beautiful spirited 13 year old daughter to live in a world of safety and fairness.  I am so grateful now that I am married to a man that completely respects women, especially me, and is also committed to Women’s rights.   I hope I can live long enough to see our first female President and the absence of men like Trump, Kavanaugh and finally, Bill Jackoboice.